She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
