just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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