1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
