last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
