she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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