He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
