I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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