his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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