what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
