Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
