Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize