I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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