I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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