i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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