This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
