Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
