I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
