my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
