i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
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There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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