the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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