How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
this is an emotional support booty call
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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