what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
