I accidentally burped into my bong.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
