One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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