Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
