good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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