That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
