Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
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I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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