im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
