yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
