Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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