The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
