You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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