do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I have aggressive nipples.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
