I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
