Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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