did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
