I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
