Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
