FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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