You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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