I want to make a zoo with you.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
