There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
