some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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