if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
