For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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