so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
