Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
