Only a mothe r could love this liver
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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