If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
