My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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