the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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