I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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