There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
