God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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