for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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