i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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