i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
