My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
