they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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