DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
